What is wrong with me?
by noideagirl
Summary: What the Merlin is wrong with me! The repeated cry of Lily Evans as she learns to deal with the new James. A long oneshot. JP/LE


Disclaimer: Anything recognisable is J..

The only thing thats mine is the story. Oh... and most definitely that scene in the classroom when he sits in front of her. Real life occurence (names and places have been change to protect identities =P)

* * *

Love always seemed to me to be ... well... stalkerish. You needed to know everything you could about a person. You wanted to know where they were and who they were with. You wrote them letters. You talked about them to their friends. You knew when they entered a room. Your eyes followed them constantly. You'd try to listen in to their conversations. You wanted to spend as much time as possible near them. You were obsessed with them; knowing them, seeing them, talking to them. You hoped against hope that they would show you that shred of recognition; that they knew you were there.

So that's why I vowed never to fall in love. Love my friends and family, sure. But to love someone so much that they could affect my body, like in those sappy romances that my friend Alice read? No way. It would never happen.

And that's why I didn't notice when it all began to fall apart.

He'd always been there. From first year we'd had every class together. Every single class. Even in extra curriculum activities, like Slug Club for example, which he was a part of because he was good at potions, AND his parents were important people, we'd always been around each other. The only time we weren't together was doing his Quidditch practice. And patrolling as prefect duties. Though he would generally showed up to bother me during the latter. He'd always been around, somewhere in the background mostly, but always there. He noticed me before I'd ever noticed him, I remember. I remember an annoying, dorky looking boy tugging my curls before running his fingers through that mop of his. Just a background memory. There because nothing else had taken its place. Unimportant. He'd always been there. The holidays were a welcome break, but after about a month I'd be looking forward to going back. To yell at him, I'd tell myself, later when we'd argue all the time.

Then suddenly, in sixth year, he'd changed. 'Deflating his head' his friends (and mine) called it.

He became a good role model; smart, funny, generous, trustworthy, kind. The whole school accepted this new man, but I didn't. I continued to pretend that I hated him; pretend that I didn't need him, pretend I didn't care.

As time went on it got harder and harder to convince even myself.

-----------

'Evans, could we go over the patrol timetable?'

I noticed absentmindedly that he'd called me by my last name yet again. I found myself wondering what it would be like to hear my name, my first name, on his lips. I shook away the thought.

'Now Potter?' I used his last name in response, showing, or trying to show, that my opinion hadn't changed.

'It has to be pinned up tomorrow morning. Now is the best time.' He was so logical now; taunting me with his maturity and quick thinking.

A sigh. 'Fine. Sit down. Lets get this over with.' I had to pretend to hate the idea of spending time with him; I didn't anymore, he fascinated me so much it frightened me.

He sat awkwardly in the seat across from me, looking at me over my pile of books.

'Monday night?' he asked, uncertainly.

'Fenshaw and -' I looked at the list of prefects. 'Remus?'

He frowned 'Remus can't do that night. How about Stebbins?'

'Stebbins went home to visit his mother, remember?'

'He'll be back by Sunday afternoon.'

'He only gets less than a day's warning then.'

'I'll owl him.'

I frowned. 'Ok. Friday?'

'I thought the Slytherins could patrol that night.'

My mouth twitched as I hid a smile 'You just want them tired for the game'

He noticed the almost-smile and had to bite back on of his own. 'I have - other reasons.' He replied, lying through his teeth quite obviously.

I laughed. 'I'll let you get away with it this time, but JUST THIS ONCE.'

'Thanks Evans.'

My smile faltered as I remembered I was supposed to hate him 'Sure Potter' I replied, my voice going dull.

He looked at me curiously. 'What's the matter?'

I looked into his eyes, mine blazing. 'None of you business Potter!'

There was silence.

'Are we done yet? Can I get back to my homework or do you want to bother me some more?' I asked, sounding almost like a petulant child even to myself.

'We're done, Evans' he said roughly, standing up to fast and knocking the chair over. He hurried from the room so quickly that the librarian didn't even have the chance to yell at him for the disturbance.

I sighed, resting my head on the table in front of me. I decided I hated how easy it was to be comfortable around that boy now; friendly, familiar. It couldn't possibly be healthy.

-----------

I was sitting in class, same as always. I sat down towards the back, hiding myself from people.

He came in late. I noticed the moment he walked in, I always did these days.

The only seat was just in front of me. I groaned inwardly.

He took the seat, sitting down without even noticing I was there. My heartbeat quickened, almost imperceptivity for me, but I'd began to notice the occurrence a couple of days earlier so I noticed it then. His quill and parchment were out before you could say Wingardium Leviosa.

I was watching him, something that happened more and more often these days. Without my brains permission, but my eyes wouldn't listen to me anymore.

He started scribbling down notes; a habit I'd noticed he'd picked up at the beginning of the year.

I couldn't pull my eyes away; there was something - captivating - about him now. My eyes lingered on his hand, scribbling furiously. 'He has quite nice hands' my brain thought. I shook my head, trying to get unwanted thoughts like that out. But my eyes went back to lingering on his form immediately after.

He stopped writing suddenly, pulling his arm backwards into his clothing.

I froze instantaneously, realising what he was about to do.

He slowly, 'almost tauntingly' I thought to myself, pulled the top layer of his outfit off, leaving his arms bare and his figure visible through the slightly tight clothing. I went hot; my blood pounding as if I were running a marathon. I was frozen in my seat, staring at him.

A moment later the waft of his aftershave, and something else, something - him, swept past me. I felt like I was running a fever; paralysed and hot, my hands clammy with sweat; running over my arms in a nervous habit, my breath catching in my throat. I felt sick, like there was something in my stomach - butterflies? - a large stone? - it kept changing.

It was in my throat too, whatever it was.

I couldn't drag my eyes away from him; his hands, his arms, his back, his head. That tiny muscle in his neck that kept clenching and relaxing.

'What the Merlin is wrong with me?' I asked myself silently, reaching a hand up to my neck to rub it and try to make myself breath. I took a long, jagged breath.

That was the same question that I asked my friends later that day.

Alice raised her eyes 'What do you mean, what's wrong with you?'

I tried to explain. 'I was sitting in class. And someone was - sitting near me. I couldn't look away from him. I felt sick. My heart was all - fidgety, I couldn't breath properly, I felt - well - like I'd caught pneumonia to tell you the truth. But it went away so quickly after I left the class.'

Alice gasped. 'This is wonderful!'

I frowned 'It's wonderful that I have pneumonia?'

She giggled, 'You're so silly, Lily. You don't have pneumonia. You're in love.'

I gaped at her. 'I am not! That's impossible! When pigs fly impossible.'

'Well you explain it, then.' She retorted

'I told you' I replied quickly. 'I have pneumonia.

She smiled. 'Go see Madam Pomfrey then. Get one of her potions to fix you up.'

I stared at her, horrified that she would suggest such a thing 'Those things are poison Al! I would have to be dying before I would take one.'

She shrugged 'Stop whining then.' She turned away to do her homework.

'What do you think?' I asked, turning to Susan, knowing that whatever she said would in all probability be true.

She smiled; a wry smile. 'I have to agree with Alice this time, I'm afraid. First time for everything.'

I took a deep breath, biting my lip, frowning.

'It can't be - it's not - I -' I started hyperventilating.

They both looked at me in shock 'Stop Lily! Calm down. It's ok, breath!' They said almost simultaneously.

I shook my head, taking a seat to calm myself down.

A moment past, then Susan asked cautiously 'So who is it, then?'

I stood swiftly. 'I'm going for a walk' I pointedly avoided her question before striding out of the dorm.

I reached the lake quickly, not even noticing the trip there.

I plopped myself down, sitting so I could rest my head on my knees.

I felt so confused; as if my whole life was just a snow globe that had suddenly been tipped upside down. I felt like I was grasping at what little remains of my life that I could.

I was so distracted by my thoughts that I didn't hear someone walking up.

'What are you doing out here, Evans?' A voice asked with concern.

I turned my head quickly around, letting out a gasp unconsciously.

'Thinking' I replied, after I'd overcome my shock.

A frown 'Are you alright?'

'Fine' I answered sharply.

'Lily'

'What do you want me to say, Potter?!' I said loudly, harshly. 'No, I'm not alright! My whole world -' I stopped, not sure what I was saying.

'What's the matter?' he asked, worriedly.

I took a deep, jagged breath. 'I had - I had everything worked out, you know.' I said, bitterly, forcing the words through my lips, making them come out breathy, shaky. 'My whole life - planned, organised into nice neat packages of what I had to do, where I was going, who I was, what I wanted. Everything - everything was organised.' Another shaky breath; I felt like crying. 'And then some - some - one' I said the last word with disdain 'some one comes along - and my world -' I gestured with my hands to illustrate an explosion 'fell apart. And now none of it seems to matter - nothing seems to be important - except -' The words didn't want to leave my lips, but now that I'd started I couldn't stop, so I forced them through 'Except - them.'

I looked up to see him staring at me, shocked.

'And it's not fair! I never wanted this - this wasn't -' words failed me.

'So Lily Evans has fallen in love.' He commented softly, sounding disbelieving.

I stood quickly 'Why does everyone keep saying that!? I'm not in love! I can't be! I -'

'And in denial, predictable.' He said, sounding almost as if he were laughing.

I raised my eyes to look him in the eye, and saw something that startled me. He looked - hurt, almost. But as if he were trying to hide it. I closed my mouth to stop what I was about to say.

'So who is the lucky guy?' He asked, lowering his eyes from mine.

I dropped my gaze too, reaching a rub up to rub my neck nervously. 'Uh - well - you see.' I bit my lip.

I could feel him glance back at my face; searchingly. 'Lily?'

'I - no one.' I shook my head 'I'm not in love with anyone. That's - well - silly.'

I turned and walked away, back to the castle, 'yes' I thought to myself 'I'm not in love. This is just a silly hormone thing. It will pass.'

-----------

I was sitting in class, talking to Alice about the new book we'd both just read.

The rest of the class hadn't arrived yet, we were early.

'I want her to get together with Seb.' Alice said, softly.

I shook my head. 'I like Seb really, I just don't think it would work out. He's older than her, you know, and he was - sort of - her teacher. I think she's fine alone'

Alice sighed. 'Of course you'd say that, you always want them to be happy alone. I just think since he was the one who gave her so much faith in herself, well, that would be a perfect relationship.'

'And you always want them to be in a relationship. Just because I'm not relationship obsessed...'

'Just because I believe in love' she retaliated

'I believe in it!' I protested.

'Sure, you believe its a chemical unbalance that can be controlled. Where's your sense of romance?' she was practically pleading now.

'Someone has to be the sensible one in this friendship.' I said calmly.

'So sensible takes priority over - everything?'

I thought about that for a moment. 'Maybe not everything' I said pensively 'But - well quite a lot'

She sighed. 'I think -' I went to continue, mentioning what took its place over being sensible, when my stomach did a flip, and my body tensed. Without my permission, my eyes raised to look at the door.

James Potter walked calmly through the door.

I forgot for an instant to breath.

'You think what?' Alice asked, looking at my face.

My mouth was slightly parted, as I watched him walking to his seat.

'Lily?' When I didn't respond, she turned to follow my gaze.

'It's just Potter' she commented, then looked back at my face, comprehension slowly moving over her face. 'Oh. It's him.'

I shook my head 'sorry, what did you say Alice?' I turned to look at her, watching James in my peripheral vision.

'Potter. He's the one who made you so weird yesterday.'

I stared at her, dumbfounded. 'What are you on about?'

'You're in love with him.'

I shook my head, vigourously 'Don't be silly, Al. I told you, I'm not in love with anyone.'

'Explain the stopping mid sentence to stare at him then.'

My eyes widened. 'I did n-' I stopped mid sentence, not wanting to lie to my friend. 'I stopped because I didn't feel well, suddenly.'

'Stomach making strange movements, inability to breath properly?'

'I - well - yes. But when you put it like that -' I trailed off.

'You love him, Lil, face it.'

'I DON'T!' The words wrenched themselves out of me.

She blinked, startled that I'd yelled. I never yell. 'Ok Lily.' She turned away quickly to open her books up.

I breathed out, hard, shocked at myself also. 'What the Merlin is wrong with me!' I half-yelled in my head.

I turned my head to look away from her, ashamed, only to see him looking at me. I gulped, visibly, and lowered my eyes.

I felt, rather than saw him turn away, and begin a short, whispered conversation with his friend Remus Lupin.

I couldn't stop myself from listening in. 'What do you think is the matter?' Lupin asked.

'Um -' I could tell, instinctively, that he didn't want to talk about it. 'Just a rough time I guess, everyone has them.'

'I suppose she had to snap some time. I mean, no one can do that much study - with no fun - without snapping.'

'Wait, backtrack. They're talking about me?' My mind was shocked, and I couldn't deny that the thought made my heart flutter. I closed my eyes, confused.

'I guess' he replied to Remus. My eyes opened again, curious.

Remus raised his eyebrows, gracefully. 'Not even vaguely curious?' No response. 'This leads me to beleive you know something' Lupins lip curled upwards into a smirk 'Have you been stalking her again? Bad Prongs, you know thats morally unsound.'

His chin clenched, drawing my attention to it. Once there, I couldn't look away. 'I haven't been stalking her. Maybe I just think we should respect her privacy.'

Lupin laughed. 'You really expect me to beleive that? Silly, silly boy.' Remus saw his face twitch into a glare and then back to normal again. 'Don't worry, I wont pry anymore. Just don't keep everything to yourself - we'll find out your secrets soon enough if you try.'

I found it slightly distrubing that he refered to the rest of the group as if they were there.

James didn't respond. I almost pouted at the thought of not hearing his voice, before I realised what I was starting to do.

-----------

It was lunchtime; half way through, and I hadn't seen him yet. I was finding myself worried, concerned, and no matter what I told myself I couldn't shake the feeling.

Katie noticed something was wrong. 'What's the matter Cherry?' (Cherry was her childhood nickname for me, after she'd found out that I was born on Cherry St. She once told me that I had to call myself that if I ever become a stripper. I disillusioned her idea that I would ever become a stripper).

I closed my eyes 'I don't know' I replied, lying.

She didn't catch on. 'Maybe you should go to the hospital wing?'

I declined quickly. 'No, that's fine. I just -' I made up my mind mid-sentence 'I have something I have to do.' I stood up and started walking to the other end of the gryffindor table. It felt like the longest walk of my life, but a few moments later I was standing behind his cronies, in particular, Sirius Black.

'Black' my throat clenched, but I forced the words out.

He spun quickly, his eyebrows raising in surprise at the sight of me.

'Evans.' His statement almost sounded like a question.

I blinked. 'Um. I -' the words wouldn't come.

'Yes?'

'Just wondering - um - if - where James is. Is he alright?'

If it were possible, Black's eyebrows would have run away to hide on the top of his head. As it was, they scampered to the middle of his forehead.

'James?' He said the name as if it were the last thing he would have expected to come out of my mouth. And I suppose it was.

I flushed bright red. 'Uh - yeah. Sorry for bothering you. It was a silly question, I'll just go' I turned quickly to hurry back to my end of the table, noticing absentmindedly that everyone from our table was staring at me.

A hand reached out to grab mine, spinning me quickly.

I landed quite ungracefully in the seat beside Sirius.

'Nonsense' Black said smoothly, acting as if he hadn't just unceremoniously dumped me in a chair. 'A quite reasonable question. My dear James is quite well, just fetching some - stuff - for us, Maruaders business, entirely alone' he winked, and I tried to ignore the happy feeling that permeated my mind (and heart) at the word alone, 'and will be down in a few moments. You could stay to say hi.'

I stared at him. 'No. That's quite alright, thanks. Bye' I started to stand, only to remember that Black was still holding my arm tightly.

Remus smiled at me. 'So are we allowed to tell him that you were asking after him? He'll be most pleased by the knownledge.'

I swallowed. 'Can't - can't we just pretend this never happened?'

Black laughed, heartily. ' Silly girl. No, we can't. Not unless you tell us why you wanted to know.'

My eyes widened, trying to think of an excuse off the top of my head.

Black smirked. 'Don't even try lying to us, kiddo.'

I swallowed nervously. 'I guess - I was - just worried.' I shrugged, trying to make msyelf seem as nonchalant as possible.

They exchanged knowing looks.

'Hokay then, Evans' Sirius released my arm. I turned and ran. 'Have fun eating' he called after me as I scurried away.

'What was that?' Katie asked, enunciating each word seperately.

I shook my head, glanced down at my food, quickly decided I was hungry anymore, then hurried from the hall.

-----------

'To what heat must the flames on which The Draught of Peace is simmering be lowered to and for how many minutes before the final ingredient is added?'

I reread that sentence 3 times and still had no idea. I couldn't even concentrate long enough to understand what the question was asking.

And you know why? Because James Potter was seated at the other side of the table; his tye loosened to show some more skin, laid back against the back of his chair lackadaisically yet gracefully.

I had to extert mental energy not to just openly stare at him.

Closing my eyes momentarily, I made up my mind suddenly, and picked up a quill.

_Dear James,  
I've been thinking a lot lately; thinking I've been going crazy, wondering what is wrong with me. I think I've finally worked out what's been going on. You're probably wondering what I'm talking about, why I'm writing to you. I know I'd be thinking the same, in your place.  
But really, I'm not insane. Don't tear up this letter, thinking that it's nothing important. This, I am increasingly sad to say, is the most important thing I've ever had to say in my life. I've been thinking, far too much thinking, and I've realised that what I never thought would happen, has. I'm sorry, I'm making no sense. But really, James, I need to tell you something. This is to do with that conversation we had, beside the lake. You accused me of being in love. I denied it, I always denied it. But now, now I'm in too deep and I need to confess.  
Yes, I'm in love. I am completely, hopelessly in love. I can't think straight anymore. So I needed to tell you.  
I, Lily Evans, have fallen in love with you, James Potter.  
I hope - I don't know what to hope.  
I'm sorry for everything.  
All of my love,  
Lily Evans_

I finished writing, uncertain of whether I liked the letter or not.

I ran a hand through my hair, and risked a glance at James.

He was looking directly at me. He raised an eyebrow as our eyes met.

I blushed, and lowered my eyes, catching sight of the letter as I did. I folded it, deciding I would make a decision later, and placed it into my bag.

I started to pack up all of my books so that I could leave the library.

'Lily?'

I spun, almost falling over. 'Yes?'

'I wanted to speak to you.'

'Oh. What about?'

'Well - my friends told me you'd been asking after me' he said, smiling at me with a certain warmth that I didn't quite understand.

I gaped at him. 'Those - those - They promised!'

He laughed, making me freeze as I watched his chest rise and fall with the movement of air in his lungs. I had to blink away the thoughts.

'Well - sorry - but their first priority is to me.'

I pouted. 'Note to self, never trust those guys'

He smiled 'No, don't be silly. Just never trust them when they would prefer to help a friend.'

I nodded. 'Fair enough'

There was a pause in conversation.

'So why were you asking about me?'

I bit my lip. 'Uh - well - Read this'

I reached into my bag and pulled out the letter I had just written.

He reached out, taking it gently.

When he looked down, I turned to walk away, not wanting to deal with seeing his expression, and the after reaction.

His hand sprung out to catch my wrist. 'Stay here, Lily.'

I frowned, staying turned away from him while I waited for him to read the letter.

His hand clenched momentarily around my wrist, before he dropped the hand holding the letter.

'You love me?' his voice was shocked, disbeleiving.

I could only nod, shakily.

'Wow'

I gave a half smile, even though I knew he couldn't see it 'Yeah, I know'

'I suppose I have to find a flying pig then.'

I spun around to look at him questioningly.

He smiled '"You know you love me" "Yeah right, Potter! When pigs fly!"'

I laughed. 'Fair point'

His smile became more intimate, and his hand raised to touch my cheek. I stilled in anticipation, dragging a breath through my teeth.

'Love you too, you know' he said, as his fingers lightly brushed my skin.

I raised my eyes to meet his. 'So will you go out with me then?'

He gaped. 'You can't steal my line!'

I giggled. I never giggled. 'Say it yourself then.'

'Fine! I will!' he pouted childishly, then he became serious. 'Will you go out with me, Lily Evans?'

I nodded, smiling like an idiot.

'Good.'

His finger stroked my cheek. 'I love you so much' The intensity in his voice sent a shiver down my spine, unconciously I took a step towards him.  
Within an instant he'd pulled me into his arms, and was kissing me with such a passion that my knees felt weak. I couldn't breath, and I didn't want to try; I wanted to keep his lips on mine forever. My heart was pounding so hard it felt like it wanted to leap out of my chest, preferably straight into his. My body was hot, feverish, and I wanted more, so much more. It felt like there were magnets in every part of my body and every part of his. I wanted him closer, and closer.

He pulled away too soon, gasping for breath.

I closed my eyes, realising I was short of breath too.

'We should go to the dorms' he said, softly

I just nodded in agreement.

* * *

AN: It's up! It's fixed! I even mostly checked over for mistakes! *gasps* organisation...

Hope you enjoy!


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